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Fanfic: Regret?

Title: Regret?
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst
Summary: A Super Junior member muses on his life and why he does this.
Disclaimer: Not real. I made it up. The boys belong to themselves and SM.
Author’s Note: I haven’t edited this yet. I think its pretty easy to guess who this is about. I’m not sure if I’m happy with it.

He looked down at the clump of hair in his hand and sighed. His hair was breaking off again. He looked up into the mirror and scowled at his red hair. What number color was this for the month? A better question yet-what was his original hair color? He thinks black but is never sure anymore. Was that even him in the mirror? He was being taken over by the ‘other’. The one from the television shows and music videos. The stress on his face was showing, along with his age. The make-up artists were scrambling to keep him and the leader looking twenty. Something they hadn’t been for awhile.

No longer caring, he would purposely let the little things show now. His course hair, the lines appearing on his face, his anger at being where he was. During live performances when they were forced to lip sync, he’d make sure his lips would be off so people could see he wasn’t really singing, payment for being thought completely talentless. When dancing, he’d be off beat, after management wouldn’t let him eat. And he always got away with it because it was him. And nothing he did ever surprised anyone.

Sometimes when the new ones came into the company, with hopeful, eager eyes, he wanted to warn them. Tell them to run. As their senior, would they listen? Why should he anyway though? No one bothered to warn him off. Instead he was stuck here. He couldn’t leave. He had nowhere else to go and knew it. They always made sure to keep some kind of chain around your leg. Whether it was the shop your parents now own or the fact that your only family is dancing and singing right beside you. You can never leave. Not until it’s too late. Some have gotten out and are happy. Some have learned to be happy no matter what. Some like him, go through the motions because they don’t care.

Thinking of his past friends, he gives a bitter chuckle. The web was full of stories and reports about his strong friendships with so and so when truth be told he only remembers what they look like because their faces are on T.V. as much as his. He is asked about his friendships with certain people in his group when he doesn’t even know their birthdays. How can he remember them all with some many boys running around? They don’t care about him either.

Training days end, phone numbers change. Competition got in the way. The people you laughed with, cried and bled with slowly vanish from your life. As hard as you struggle to keep their hand in yours, it will disappear, leaving you cold and scared with people you don’t know. And it starts over again. Getting to know someone new, training together and wondering if when you wake, will they still be there? Some friendships are true though. The real ones help keep each other up and going when they are about to shatter.

The supposed pairings make him happy because it embarrasses his members so much. And some blush so prettily. What would fans think if they found out everyone was kept under lock and key? No move can be made without someone seeing it. They only have access to each other. Boy groups sneak around with girls groups. Some find comfort within their own groups even if they had never thought of the same sex that way. Certain things happen at either a really young age or what could be considered an old age in this life. He has done his own leaving and being left. Some hurt more than others. Some he doesn’t even notice.

They all know its not forever with each other. It’s a fleeting comfort. Hidden looks and touches. Spending a few hours together every two weeks. Most never make it past a couple of months. A rare pair will work but are aware when this world ends and the real one begins they may have to part. The only thing that is forever is their music. Even if it’s no longer on the charts, their music, pictures and videos will always be there somewhere. A reference to them on a show, a joke made on the radio. Appearances on game shows.

If he had this to do over again, would he? Would he refuse this life? Or would he still take this path even knowing the outcome? He thinks of the pink plush elephant one of his members had given him that was nestled on his bed. He thinks of the nights he sat up crying with a friend from another group. The laughter that would fill the dorms some nights when rehearsal didn’t fully kill them and he didn’t spend the night coughing up blood. He hears in his head a soft accented voice calling his name in a way he’ll never hear again. And he thinks maybe he would.


( 1 comment — Leave a spider bite )
Jun. 16th, 2010 11:15 am (UTC)
( 1 comment — Leave a spider bite )