Genre: Drama, Angst
Warning: Sex though not too graphic, heavy angst, language.
Disclaimer: Boys are not mine. Not real I made this up.
Summary: Even boys get insecure.
Author’s Note: Summary sucks. This is a lot longer than I intended. I think this is my second longest oneshot. Another post for the challenge. Prompt 085 Ache Shindong/Donghae
The bathroom next to his bedroom allowed him to hear the vomiting coming from within. Even over the bathroom fan, the clinking air conditioning, the noise of the dorm and the pain of his beating heart he heard it. His body started to cool and he shivered as the air licked at his skin. The come between his legs was drying, becoming itchy. The lack of warmth in his bed after such an activity made his chest ache.
Donghae closed his thighs, turned to his side and brought his legs up to his chest. He stared unseeing at the wall covered in pictures and posters. Every time was the same why should this time have been any different. He had never thought himself disgusting before but the fact the man that had just been inside of him was now puking his guts out proved he must be. He closed his eyes and prayed for sleep to come.
It started with a simple kiss. They had both been drinking that night with their members. They had somehow ended up alone in the bathroom, leaning against the counter, lips pressed together. Unexpectedly the kiss had sent shivers down Donghae’s spine. He had never thought of Shindong as a sexual being, never once entertained daydreams about being with him like this. It might have been the alcohol in his system but he had eagerly given himself over to the kiss.
When he had moaned in excitement Shindong had yanked back with a look of shock on his face. He had stumbled back looking a bit green. That night Donghae had attributed it to having drunk so much and they’d forget about it. The following week had proved him wrong as Shindong had gone out of his way to avoid the fish. He then put it to being embarrassed at having kissed his friend. Maybe the drinks had made Shindong see him as a woman, not his friend and feeling desperate kissed him? That logic hadn’t seemed right to him.
A month later found Donghae on his knees in a closet, taking Shindong into his mouth, eyes closed, listening to the gasps he made. He doesn’t know how or why he ended up like that, he just had. And in that moment, pleasuring another man for the first time in such a way, there really was nowhere else he had wanted to be. He wanted to look up into Shindong’s eyes as he did this but because of the angle and the others slight belly he hadn’t been able to. A slight thud told him he had dropped his head against the wall.
Donghae had felt apprehension as he realized that Shindongs’ orgasm was approaching. He hadn’t been sure what to do. He wasn’t sure if he was brave enough to swallow or if he should pull away. It was decided for him when a hand was pressed to the back of his head, keeping him in place with Shindong’s cock bumping the back of his throat. He had choked on the first spurt into his mouth and tried his best to swallow what he could despite wincing at the bitter taste.
When he finally pulled back to watch the bigger man zip himself back up he felt strangely proud of himself. Just as he was about to stand up to kiss his friend, with hopes of having his own problem relieved, Shindong shoved off the wall. Donghae was knocked to his butt by the movement. He stared up at him puzzled.
“I’m going to be sick.” Shindong moaned, and lurched himself out of the closet.
Donghae stared after him, hurt clutching his chest and come on the side of his mouth. He waited twenty minutes before leaving the closet. Shindong never came back and he didn’t see him the rest of the day.
Fourteen days later Shindong had come to him apologetic, though he never actually said the word sorry. He showed his remorseful side by going to his knees for Donghae as he sat on his bed. Donghae swore he came so hard he blacked out. When he was able to open his eyes and move again the other was already gone. Ignoring his need to cry he had cleaned himself up and gone about the rest of his day with a smile.
Three months later had Donghae face down in a hotel bed, Shindong propped over him, his dick lodged in his ass. It had hurt, he knew it would, but the idea he had someone else inside of him kept him turned on despite the pain. As with the closet incident he wasn’t sure how they had ended up there or why, just that they had. Donghae was actually relieved to have those big hands on him. When Shindong wasn’t trying to exhaust himself by avoiding him, they would hang out like old times.
He liked how silent and strong he could be, or loud and goofy at other times. The two of them and Eunhyuk would sometimes spend hours in their dance room, going over new and old dances. They would create new dances that would never leave the room but be theirs alone. It could have just been because of that stupid drunken kiss, but he found himself in love with their chubby member.
Because of that he let the other ride his body for his pleasure. He concentrated on the feel of him moving in and out, mostly he felt pain but he felt some pleasure. Shindong came inside of him with a hard thrust that forced him further up on the bed. Donghae felt as if his body was being marked like an animal to show who he belonged to. Shindong had pulled out of his body roughly making him flinch. Since his lover climbed out of bed, he rolled over to his back ignoring the ache of his body and wrapped his hand around himself.
It didn’t take much to make him approach his own orgasm, not when he could feel come dripping down his thighs. Just as his peak started to take over, it ebbed. He could hear Shindong vomiting in the bathroom. Donghae no longer cared about getting himself off. Ten minutes later Shindong came back into the room, climbed back into bed and laid down to sleep with his back to Donghae. That was the first time he felt his heart crack.
Donghae woke up with tears on his face. After that first time, Shindong never stayed in bed with him. He had sworn to himself last night, after Shindong came to him, it would be the last time. He had fallen in love with him yes, but this was starting to be too much. Slowly he got up for the morning, determined that when Shindong came to him the next time, he’d refuse him.
He tried to get through the day like he usually did with a goofy smile. It had been getting hard to pretend his heart wasn’t dead. The charade seemed to work, even with his members, his family. Hopeful, he thought he’d get through the day and would be able to lock himself in his room at the end of the day. Until Eunhyuk cornered him with a concerned look.
“Donghae, what’s going on with you?” he whispered in his ear.
“Nothing is wrong.”
“Don’t bullshit me.” He said loudly, and then looked around to make sure no one had heard him. “I know something is wrong.”
Donghae shot a look to where he knew Shindong was. He jerked when he found him staring at them. Shindong had been ignoring him outside the bedroom more and more lately.
“I can’t talk about it here. Later, okay?” Donghae whispered back. Figures he couldn’t hide from Eunhyuk.
“Come to my room tonight at seven. I’m not letting you get out of this. I’m worried about you. You haven’t been looking too good lately.”
Donghae nodded and his friend went off to bug Heechul. Eunhyuk had become increasingly obsessed with pissing the princess off. Two minutes later he heard “Yah!” and a hard slap. A small smile came to his face. Sounds like he succeeded.
Donghae stood hesitantly outside Eunhyuks door. He trusted his friend he did, but could he trust his friend with something like this? Knowing he had no choice after Eunhyuk had approached him, he pushed the door open. His fellow dancer was sitting on the bed waiting for him.
“Come in and shut the door.” Eunhyuk said waving.
Doing as he was told, he headed for the bed and sat. He was quiet for a bit, afraid to say anything. Eunhyuk sat patiently, waiting for him to be ready.
“Have I been that obvious?” Donghae asked, curious.
“No. It took me longer than I liked to realize something has been off. I don’t think anyone has noticed. I just happen to be the one who knows you the best. You’ve been smiling less. You haven’t been eating as much. When you dance, you don’t look happy anymore. But you do a hell of a job pretending. Do you sleep anymore?”
Donghae sighed. He opened his mouth to explain but nothing came out. Tears stung his eyes. He tried to fight the tears from falling but the harder he tried to stop them the more they came. Soon, he became a sobbing mess and it embarrassed him to no end. Eunhyuk simply took him into his arms and held him as he cried. Eventually he cried himself out and exhausted, fell asleep.
Donghae woke thirty minutes later, to find himself lying in Eunhyuk’s bed, wrapped around the dancer. His head hurt but he felt better. He sat up and pulled away from the arms holding him.
“Are you ready to tell me?”
He leaned against the wall and nodded.
“I fell in love and it was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.”
Donghae shook his head in denial. “I won’t give a name but I will tell you…it’s a guy.”
Eunhyuk sat up and crossed his legs. “Really?”
“Yeah. Maybe about six or seven months ago. Can I ask you something?”
“Am I disgusting?”
“Because you fell in love with a guy? You know I don’t think like that.”
“No, not that. Me. Do you think I’m disgusting? Like my body.”
“Hell no. What would make you think that?”
“He acts like I am. When we, uh, you know, after he goes into the bathroom and throws up. Every time. And when he is done, he never stays with me. He’s only slept in the bed after our first time. Otherwise he gets up, gets sick and leaves. Outside the bedroom, he has begun ignoring me. Am I that hideous?”
“Donghae! I can’t believe I am hearing this from you.”
“What if every person I’m with gets sick after being with me?”
“No! Donghae, it’s not you, it’s him. Please believe me when I say he is the fucked up one not you.”
“How do you know?”
Eunhyuk stared at his friend worried. He didn’t know what he could do to convince him. A thought occurred to him. Screwing his eyes shut he leaned forward and slammed his lips over his friends. Donghae made a surprised sound in the back of his throat. This hadn’t been on his list of things to do but what the hell?
Donghae stared at his friend with shocked eyes. His best friend was kissing him. The kiss was hesitant and unsure. He got what he was trying to do. Letting his eyes close, he brought up a hand and cupped his cheek. They kissed gently, the kiss not meant for lust but rather comfort. It surprised Donghae when Eunhyuk tugged on him so they could lie down on the bed. He didn’t think his friend would take it past a simple kiss.
“I just want to prove to you that you’re not disgusting.”
Eunhyuk threaded his fingers through his hair and kissed him deeply. Soon both their pants and buckles were unbuttoned and pushed out of the way. They wrapped a hand around the other, moving their hands in a way they hoped their friend would like. It didn’t long before they were gasping into each other’s mouth, jerking their hips, spilling into hands and pants.
When Eunhyuk climbed out of bed, Donghae’s heart stilled. He wasn’t gone long, coming back with a shirt to help them clean up. After figuring they were as clean as they could be, Eunhyuk climbed back into and curled around Donghae. Donghae smiled a true a smile for the first time in months. Eunhyuk stayed, he hadn’t left and he wasn’t sick or disgusted.
Donghae stumbled out of Eunhyuks room a little bit later. He loved his best friend, he did but it wasn’t easy sleeping with him. Eunhyuk kicked and took the blankets. Entering his room he glanced at the clock. It was a little past nine. He shut his door and locked it. He never locked it before because of the chance Shindong might sneak in. But he couldn’t do it anymore.
The rattling of the door knob woke him three hours later. He stared at the door in fear. He’d never refused Shindong before and nothing says no like a locked door. The rattling got louder and he was afraid he’d break the door trying to get in. He hid his head under the blanket as if it could make the whole thing go away. Finally the noise stopped. Silence. He jumped when there was a loud bang against the door and he listened carefully for his footsteps leaving.
He curled into a ball and thought he’d cry but instead felt numb. He didn’t fall asleep for the rest of the night.
For two days he switched roles with Shindong, making sure he now avoided the other. He locked his door at night and pretended he didn’t hear when the door knob turned. And it worked and he felt a bit saner. Until Super Junior was doing an appearance on a television show and he turned the corner to find Shindong and a girl kissing behind some equipment. He didn’t know her name but recognized her as a member of the girl group debuting on the show.
Unable to look away, he simply stood there, pain consuming his heart. He felt betrayed but wasn’t sure if he had a right to it. He watched as Shindong pulled away from the girl and placed an affectionate kiss on her forehead. The gentle action made his heart ache and added yet another crack to his heart. He thought he’d become immune to tears after spilling so many but found he wasn’t when Shindong smiled at the girl as if he knew her well and showed no signs of being sick.
Shindong left the girl and headed not for a bathroom but the stage where their members were. He didn’t look green, disgusted or upset. He looked peaceful and happy. So very different than how he looked after being with Donghae in such an intimate manner. Donghae felt his heart fall to his feet and shatter. There was finally one too many cracks.
Staring blindly at their manager he felt like the world was muted. He was aware of Eunhyuk glancing at him occasionally but he couldn’t bring himself to reassure him. His heart was screaming at him, screaming its anguish and covering his ears wasn’t going to block it out. He was stuck with nowhere to go. He couldn’t be with Shindong, he obviously didn’t want him. But he couldn’t get away from him either.
The second he was able to break away from the group he did. His only option was to forget everything and move on. Continue with his career, find a girl like he’d intended all along, marry her and have kids. Just like he was suppose to. And he’d forever ignore the ache a missing heart caused.
HERE IS A FIRST COMING FROM ME. YOU CAN STOP HERE FOR THE ANGST ENDING OR KEEP GOING FOR THE FLUFF ONE. THOUGH THE FLUFF ONE KIND OF CAME OUT CRAPPY. HAVE YOU NOTICED YET I DON’T DO FLUFF WELL?
Donghae had managed to avoid saying a word to Shindong for three weeks. Three weeks of coming to the conclusion Shindong had simply used him. Three weeks of wondering why him and not another. Three weeks of reassuring Eunhyuk he was okay even though he wasn’t. At the end of the three weeks he was fine. Really he was.
“Donghae, you got a postcard.” Yesung said, coming into the kitchen. He tossed in front to Donghae before going to bug Ryeowook at the stove.
Rolling his eyes he picked it up. His eyes widened in surprise as he read it. It wasn’t signed but what was written made filled him with warmth.
It’s the way you smile and the way you smell. It’s the way you put up with me when you should yell. It’s how beautiful you are when you cry or laugh. It’s the way you dance circles around others. It’s the noises you make and the way you sleep. It’s everything that makes me love you…and I’m so sorry.
Okay so it wasn’t Shakespeare but it was heartfelt. Who would have sent this to him? Shindong? He immediately pushed the thought away. Yeah right. In his dreams maybe. He sighed and headed to his room, postcard in hand. It was probably only Eunhyuk trying to get him to cheer up. He collapsed on his bed and stared at the ceiling.
His body had been craving Shindong even if he had been a little harsh on his body at times. Deciding he wanted to waste their day off by sleeping he shut his eyes and forget about the postcard. No point on dwelling on anything, all it does was cause a headache.
When he woke two hours later, he froze. Someone was pressed against his back, arms wrapped around his waist. The size of the person had him disbelieving what he so very wanted. There was only one person in the dorm with that build. But he would never come here to hold Donghae like this. Never allow so something quite this intimate. He turned over slowly.
His heart sped up as he took in Shindongs sleeping face. Confusion then anger filled him. Who the hell did he think he was? Did he think he was nothing but a toy for him to play with? Did he not think he was capable of being hurt? Of feeling? But for a second, just a second he let himself enjoy the feel of being in his arms like this. Then pushed him out and off his bed.
“What the hell Hae?” Shindong demanded as he shot his feet.
“What are you doing in here?”
“I came in here to talk to you. For once your door wasn’t locked. You were asleep and I couldn’t resist climbing in with you.”
“Whatever. What did you want to talk about?”
Shindong sat on his bed and he edged away from him. He didn’t want him touching him.
“Did you get my postcard?”
“That-that was you?” he asked shocked.
“Who the hell else would be sending you a love confession?” Shindong demanded.
Donghae rolled his eyes in annoyance. “What’s it to you huh? You treated me like crap.”
“I know. And I’m sorry. More than you could ever know.”
“Why? I don’t get why. You’re trying to say you love me? How can you treat someone like that but claim you love them? I saw you kiss that girl a few weeks ago. You didn’t look disgusted. You didn’t throw up. You didn’t run away like she was some disease. But you did every time with me.”
“I-I-that’s not-I’m-God I don’t even know how to say any of this right.”
“Then maybe it’s better left unsaid.”
“No. Its not. I fucked up I know. I was never disgusted by you, at all. I loved being with you. When I got sick, it was fear. Fear because of what I was doing and who I was doing it with. I was having sex with another man, a member at that. I couldn’t handle it. The stress would cause me to be sick, never you. And I should have just talked to you about it not let you suffer or think it was you.
“I was terrified of being caught, of falling in love, or hurting you. You name it and I was scared of it. Like I said I fucked up and know it. Anything I can do to make it up to you, I’ll do it, no questions asked.”
Donghae shook his head in denial. No way was this real. This was not a fairy tale. It had to be a prank. Payback for avoiding him the past few weeks. Payback for ignoring the rattling door knob every night.
“And you just decided all this over night? We’ve been doing this for months.”
Shindong reached a hand for his knee and he jerked out of his reach. “No, I’ve wanted to say something for awhile but I had to be sure. The kiss you saw. I’ve known her since training days. I asked if I could test it with her. With her I felt nothing. With you I feel everything. I don’t deserve to be forgiven I know. I’m just hoping you will.”
“The worst part is I loved you in spite of how you treated me. It made me feel pathetic.”
“Let me prove to you that it can be better. That I can be better and that I do love you. I swear I do.”
“How do you intend to show me?”
Shindong smiled brightly at him and got up to lock the door. He climbed back onto the bed and crawled to him. He took his face gently in his hands. Donghae stiffened at the action.
“Trust me.” Shindong whispered against his lips then kissed him.
The kiss was gentle and full of feeling. Donghae had never been kissed like this before. Shindong gently caressed his face, neck and back. He relaxed under the attention but froze when Shindong produced a bottle of lube. He couldn’t really expect him to allow him to take him so soon? Shock had him gasping at Shindongs request.
“I want you to prep me.”
“I always did the taking. It’s your turn.” He said blushing.
Donghae kissed him hard. He was nervous the first time topping but when it was all over his lover was still there. Shindong didn’t run to the bathroom or look disgusted. He looked content. And he wrapped Donghae in his arms. They stayed there, talking and laughing. And Donghae started to heal and hope.